Why Do I keep Taking on So much?

You say, “Sure, no worries!” Except…there are worries. There are, in fact, many worries.

There are the things you need to remember, the things you need to schedule, the things you need to fix, the things you promised you'd take care of, and that one thing you've been meaning to do for approximately three weeks but keep forgetting about. 

And yet, when someone asks how you're doing, you probably automatically respond, “I’m fine!”

Maybe you really are fine. Or, maybe you've just gotten really, really good at carrying things without letting anyone see how heavy they are.

Maybe you're the person everyone relies on

You're capable. You're responsible. And you get things done. People know they can count on you. You might be the friend who remembers everyone's birthday, the sibling who helps coordinate family plans, the coworker who somehow ends up fixing the problem nobody else wanted to touch.  

And you may genuinely like being that person. There's nothing wrong with being dependable. The problem comes when being dependable stops being something you do and starts becoming who you believe you have to be.

Because then asking for help can feel strangely uncomfortable. You might think:

“It's easier if I just do it myself.”

“They already have enough going on.”

“I don't want to be a burden.”

“I'll figure it out.”

And so you do.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Why is asking for help so hard?

For some people, self-reliance was a survival skill they learned early. Maybe you grew up in an environment where you had to be responsible. Maybe the people around you weren't always available. Maybe you learned that your needs were less important than everyone else's.  

Or, maybe somewhere along the way, you discovered that being helpful came with a certain reward: people appreciated you, trusted you, needed you. Being needed feels good. It can invoke a sense of purpose and belonging. So without realizing it, you may have started equating being useful with being valuable.

That can make slowing down feel uncomfortable. And needing something from someone else? That can feel even more uncomfortable. And suddenly, a simple, “Can you watch the kids for me for a few hours?” warps into an existential crisis: Who am I if I can’t handle this?  

When resentment starts to creep in

This is where things can get a little complicated. You might find yourself thinking: “Why am I always the one who has to do everything?” Meanwhile, someone offers to help, and you respond, “No, it's okay. I've got it.” And then you're annoyed that nobody helped.

If this sounds familiar, you're not a terrible person. You're also not necessarily surrounded by terrible people. Oftentimes, resentment can convey useful information. It can be your brain's way of pointing out, “Hey. This isn't working for me anymore.”

It might mean you've been giving more than you actually have to give. It might mean you've been waiting for someone to notice you're overwhelmed instead of letting them know. Or, it might mean you've gotten so accustomed to being the capable one that you don't even realize you've stopped leaving room for anyone else to show up for you.

What if you don't have to earn your right to need help?

Being independent, generous, and reliable isn't bad. Those are incredible qualities. The goal isn't to stop caring. It's to make room for the possibility that you can care about other people without being responsible for everything.

You can be capable and still need help.

You can be strong and still have difficult days.

You can love someone and still have boundaries.

You can say “yes” because you genuinely want to, not because you're afraid of what might happen if you say no.

And you can let someone help you without needing to prove that you deserve the help first. And, no, that doesn’t make you selfish, weak, or a burden.

A few questions to sit with

If you're realizing that “I've got it” has become your default response, you might ask yourself:

What am I automatically taking responsibility for?

Not what you're technically responsible for. What are you emotionally taking responsibility for?

What am I afraid might happen if I ask for help?

Will someone be disappointed? Think you're incapable? Get annoyed? Decide you're too needy?

What would I ask for if I knew I wasn't inconveniencing anyone?

That answer might tell you something important.

How therapy can help

Maybe the goal isn't to become someone who never says, “I've got it.” Maybe it's learning that you can also say, ”Actually, I could use some help with this.”

That can be a much bigger shift than it sounds. Therapy can be a place to explore where that need to handle everything came from, what it's been protecting you from, and what it might look like to let other people show up for you, too.

You don't have to stop being the person people can count on. You just don't have to be the person who carries everything alone.